http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/04/13/i-hate-david-dellifield-the-one-from-ada-ohio/
Penelope Trunk is my new idol. Fab.u.lous.
Waiting to want
March 7, 2009 · 9 Comments
Most of my friends in relationships want and are waiting to get engaged (and/or recently have gotten engaged – so excited for all of you). But for me, I am waiting to WANT to get engaged. Granted this is probably the result of calling off two engagements, and then promptly having my heart broken by a guy that I would have married in a heartbeat. So now, I’ve just lost all motivation for the sport, and I am content to be contractually bound to myself (and several credit card/student loan companies) only.
In theory that is good…I won’t rush into anything.
In reality this is bad…I am totally going to be that old crazy aunt to all of my friend’s children. You know the “aunt” I’m talking about – she’s not actually a blood relative. She shows up to events with two bottles of wine (one for everyone else, one for herself). She gets drunk and starts talking about inappropriate subjects regardless of who can hear. She has a string of live-ins that you can remember only through nicknames (”the one that never had a job”, “the one who is going to leave his wife,” etc.). She offers to watch your children but you fear they would end up watching her – and they would likely never fully recover from the experience. That’s going to be me.
Looking forward to it. I am available to babysit anytime.
→ 9 CommentsCategories: Friends · relationships
Misnomer
March 6, 2009 · 2 Comments
If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterwards you would remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? If not, why? ~ The Book of Questions
No road trip is complete without a thorough soul-searching tour of the Book of Questions. Answering the questions is a cutesy way to gain a better understanding of your poor, trapped-like-a-rat co-pilot, and like any other car game it is a good way to pass the time. Well the book of questions is no game. No, no…no game at all. It should come with a warning that says, “Someday you will grow up and these questions won’t be a cutesy game, sister…they will be your real life and it.will.suck. Surpise! Joke’s on you!”
So thank you, Life, for making the Book of Questions my reality. Choose one: greatest love vs. dream job. You get to be madly, passionately crazy over precisely one of them, so choose and choose wisely, because there are no second chances.
I tried for a while to make no choice – ha, Life, suck on that! However, Life ain’t no dummy. Life upped the ante and gave him the same option (the job or the girl). Which leaves me with no guaranty that he will pick me, even if I do pick him. AND if we do both pick each other does it even work? If I don’t pick him, won’t I be stuck wondering about him indefinitely???
The answer is yes. As I get up and head off to my dream job, I will wonder about him.
So I propose we change the title of the book from “The Book of Questions” to “The Book of This Is A Practice Test For Real Life and How Bad It Is Going to Suck Because the Questions Will Be Real and You Will Be Stuck With Your Answer, and Though Your Life Will Still Be Fabulous Because You are Fabulous and Work Really Hard to be Successful, You Will Always Have to Occasionally Wonder Did I Make the Right Decision and Then Force Yourself to Do Some Productive Work or Laugh With Good Friends So That You Forget That You Ever Had to Make a Decision in the First Place Book.” My proposed title truly conveys the true purpose of the book. To join in my name changing efforts, please send letters of support to:
Workman Publishing Company
225 Varick Street
New York, NY 10014-4381
212-254-5900 (phone)
212-254-8098 (fax)
→ 2 CommentsCategories: Uncategorized
Lyrically speaking, this is…
January 13, 2009 · 3 Comments
Rubbish. Midnight Train to Georgia is absolute rubbish. Don’t get me wrong, I bop along and sing the tricky back up vocals like I am an original member of the Pips. HOWEVER, the catchy nature of this tune does not make up for its terrible message. Let’s dissect:
Verse 1:
L.A. proved too much for the man,
So he’s leavin’ the life he’s come to know,
He said he’s goin’ back to find
Ooh, what’s left of his world,
The world he left behind
Not so long ago
Synopsis: Things got tough for some man, so he’s being a big time quitter and going back to what’s easy after hardly trying at all.
Verse 2:
He kept dreamin’
That someday he’d be a star.
But he sure found out the hard way
That dreams don’t always come true.
So he pawned all his hopes
and he even sold his old car
Bought a one way ticket
To the life he once knew,
Synopsis: Shit didn’t go as plan, so he sold all his crap (aka he’s broke) and he’s moving 3,000 miles away from you. Hope you don’t mind.
And after all that, Gladys Knight has the gall to sing:
He said he would
Be leavin
On that midnight train to Georgia, (Did he even consult you???)
And he’s goin’ back
To a simpler place and time.
And I’ll be with him
On that midnight train to Georgia, (I sure as hell hope he bought your ticket)
I’d rather live in his world
Than live without him in mine
What the f*ck, Gladys? You are a following broke man who gave up on his dreams and you (after like two weeks), and you’re going to move to Georgia with him??? Do you know how far away Georgia is from California? I’m sure things are all peachy keen on that 30 hour train ride, but what happens when you actually get to Georgia? What happens when “his dreams” don’t work out in Georgia either? Who is going to dry your tears when you find out he’s sneaking around with some two bit trick? Plus, is your life so sad that you had NOTHING else going on in LA that you can just drop it all to be with him? Pathetic. I am not a fan of this poor decision-making, Gladys, not a fan at all. How did the Pips even let you get away with this business?
Of course, I also believe that you should live without regret and that “what the hell” is almost always the best policy, so who am I to judge?
(world, world)
(is his, his and hers alone)
(world is his)
(his and hers alone)
(all aboard)
(one world)
(her man, his girl)
Ive got to go
→ 3 CommentsCategories: Boys boys boys · I know all · relationships
Disgruntled in DC
December 31, 2008 · 2 Comments
Dear Roomies,
I am sorry if my incessant coughing is keeping you up. It sure as shit is keeping me awake and watching bad British comedies at 2:30am. This is COMPLETELY unnecessary. I adore sleep. In fact, last night I got nearly 15 hours of sleep due to the wonders of Robitussin…glori-f*cking-ous. Tonight, assuming that sleep settles in asap, I will be looking at no more than four hours of sleep. Do you know how poorly I am going to have to treat my coworkers and the lovely constituents of my boss’ district because of this??? It will be a blood massacre (and that’s not good for business).
So, please accept my sincere apology and please join in my letter to nyquil. I have attached it for your reference.
Lots of love,
Your favorite coughing (and out of Robitussin) roomie, fanrickingtastic
Dear Nyquil,
You Mother F’ers. If I remember correctly, you are the “the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so you can rest and have a good morning medicine,” are you not??? Is that supposed to be ironic? Because I am nighttime coughing, sniffling, and pissed off, and your meds are doing nothing. How is this possible? Nyquil is practically a date rape drug with it’s sedative qualities, but here I am wide-eyed and COUGHING at 2:30am.
I demand a refund for this injustice. Tomorrow night is NYE and I need my beauty rest so that I can be a sparkly little dancing queen. SO not only do you owe me a refund, but you also owe reparations for the good time I am now NOT going to have tomorrow because I will be tired and very likely STILL coughing. Please send a check and some Robitussin to the lovely ladies of Euclid St. immediately.
Kthnxbai,
Fanfrickingtastic and the lovely roomie duo, Mariffany
→ 2 CommentsCategories: Friends · apologies
BAD news: You Suck.
November 18, 2008 · 3 Comments
Mothers of the world – listen up…QUIT babying your little boys. You are doing women and the world a gross disservice. Two of my male friends have been babied and the result is ugly – douchebabies. They think that everything they do is of GREAT importance. For example,
“I have to read 130 pages for a class, isn’t that so much? Don’t you feel bad for me? Aren’t you shocked at that number of pages and awed by my superior intelligence?”
They also think they are always right and have the inside scoop on everything and simply can’t fathom that you might be right.
“Did you see that they gave Jane that big promotion? Can you believe they give it to her? Talk about incompetent, have you heard her accent?…Oh, she didn’t get it? Silly girl, you just don’t have a super secret source of info like me. Oh, you have documentation that someone else got it? Oh yeah, I guess my super secret source must have meant something else that you couldn’t possibly know about.”
Finally, they give you a compliment and act like you should be ecstatic.
“You really are so pretty. Do you know that? How does it feel to have someone think you are so pretty? Aren’t I so sweet for giving you a compliment? Don’t you want to give me one back now?”
LAME. Douchebabies, you aren’t always right, you don’t know everything, and you are way less important than you give yourself credit for. But thank you for the drink, I am going home now…alone.
→ 3 CommentsCategories: Boys boys boys · DC
Cab Ride: $13 and all the advice you ever need
November 12, 2008 · 4 Comments
“I never wanted to go to no summer camp, let alone jail,” my cab driver, Leo, said as we pulled away from my apartment at 6am. Thus began fifteen minutes of tales from Leo’s misspent youth (his words, not mine). The stories poured out as I listened in bemused silence. My favorite story went something like this:
When Leo was a young kid, he attended Catholic school and he looooved the ladies. To get their attention he would physically pull them into closets, alleys, etc. and attempt (against their will) to “get wit’em.” Obviously, the nuns and assault victims did not appreciate such behavior, so the head nun had a little chitchat with Leo. After the nun posed the question, “Would you try to do to me, what you have been doing to those girls?” Leo finally saw the heavenly light of ladies and ended his predatory adventures. In fact, he took her advice to heart so much that he didn’t try to sleep with his first wife for two months (at which point she thought he was gay and he finally acquiesced to her devilish ways).
Advice for life from Leo:
- When it comes to physical contact, treat all ladies like you would treat a nun. They are, after all, an image of heaven on earth (until they give you permission to rough them up).
- “Ain’t nobody care if you’re unhappy,” so you might as well be happy.
- If you don’t like being around people, stay home.
- Jail is NOT a place you want to go.
- Some kids need to be beat, but kids these days are smart (and will threaten to call child welfare on you)…so beat them and don’t leave marks.
- Fights aren’t worth it, just walk away. UNLESS of course, they diss you in front of your woman, in which case you have permission to beat their head in with a high school cafeteria tray (Larry, a bald guy with a large scar on his head, who lives in downtown DC can attest to the effectiveness of this strategy).
- Life is beautiful.
That cab ride was worth every single penny.
→ 4 CommentsCategories: 9-to-5 · Boys boys boys · DC
Sugar Daddy Purchasing Power
October 29, 2008 · 10 Comments
After searching high and low for a little slice of heaven in the sky, aka a new apartment, the search has ended. McNasty, the landlord, decided that maybe we aren’t terrible heathens after all. Actually, he decided that he could tolerate three of us living here (in our same old apartment) for an additional fee. (Ding, ding, ding) Just more proof that every “no” is only an excruciatingly painful price tag away from a yes.
So apparently having money means you never have to hear no. Is this why rich people are so damn smug? Does that explain this face?
and this face?
and this???
If these fools somehow “purchase” this election (cause there is no way they will get it on the up and up), then I am going straight out and finding me a sweet, sugar daddy. I am tired of hearing no, and I, too, would like to be vice president of the United States. Step 1: seek and destroy sugar daddy, Step 2: seek and destroy all that right is with the world, Step 3: purchase $150,000 wardrobe (vaguely promise to donate some scraps to charity), Step 4: Take over the world.
Let’s hope Obama wins or I will be selling my eggs, plasma, and soul to the highest bidder (Sugar Daddies apply within). See you at the polls!
→ 10 CommentsCategories: DC · Politics · Power bitches
The boot
October 22, 2008 · 4 Comments
“No. Absolutely not.” That’s what it sounds like when you get SHUT DOWN after putting your pride and wallet on the line to avoid getting booted out of your apartment.
As mentioned previously, our landlord wasn’t too pleased to have three people living in a two bedroom apartment (even though it more than fits three of us and four people were living in the same space before us). So we approached him to ask if there was anything we could possibly do so that all three of us could live here (even though it’s in a super sketchy neighborhood, it has the most ridiculously creaky floor boards, and living below our landlord feels nothing short of 1984 Big Brotherish). So what can we do to make this better for him? Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Not more money. Not “sexy time” with my roommate. Nothing.
So we did as all girls do when faced with a crisis. Cried. Laughed. Watched Gossip Girl. Wished Sex and the City had an episode on getting evicted that we could turn to for guidance. Debated the level of douchebagedness that Zac Effron displayed in High School Musical 1 & 2. Looked for new apartments. Cat-talked the landlord. Cat-talked gossip girls. Cat-talked Sarah Palin. Laughed.
So take that evil landlord! We will not be oppressed by your creaky floor boards any longer. We are moving on up and moving on out.
See ya never,
Fanfrickingtastic, Fro-tastic, and Teachtastic
→ 4 CommentsCategories: DC · Friends
Overachieving 30+ SWF seeks Baby Daddy???
October 20, 2008 · 5 Comments
To do:
- Buy eggs
- Update annual budget
- Review customer survey
- Find Baby Daddy
- Make Baby
I laughed. My male friend, Mr. Dates-Super-Hot-Chicks was making this story up. However, he persisted in his insistence that there is a new breed of women on the dating scene (and according to him, at least, they are quite frightening). Apparently, the formerly overachieving independent female careerists transform (around age 30ish) via baby fever into overachieving wannabe mommies on a mission for the ideal baby daddy (i.e. husband).
He offered the following as a prime example of this phenomena:
“Jane” (name changed to protect the insane) loved numbers. She spent much of her 20s vigorously pursuing her dream job as an elite political pollster. Her job required her to be meticulous detailed – cross referencing data, analyzing the results, and forming strategies based on the numbers. So when Jane caught the baby bug as a 30ish single woman, she used the same skills to land her the baby daddy of her dreams. She made a list of the ideal characteristics in a father, made a list of places/activities that would attract these men, laid out a strategy for meeting them, and executed, executed, executed (this involves a binder of lists and a very detailed calendar of events ~ baby making networking is not for the faint of heart). With some serious planning and a bit of lipstick, she now has her dream baby daddy and is well into the process of curing her baby fever.
Dear.God.what.the.shit. Does this really happen? Is it just women in this super overachieving city? Do I really have to strategize to be a baby maker? I am 28…I don’t even know when I want babies, and this fever could hit me any day! Can’t I just meet a guy, fall madly in love, then accidentally get knocked up and be forced to marry him like every other normal marriage???
Seriously disturbed,
Fanfrickingtastic
→ 5 CommentsCategories: DC · Power bitches
